Au Revoir, Where it All Began

I’ve been getting used to living here, I’ve been getting used to not functioning properly, being lazy, asleep, far away, unreachable.

My cabin in the woods, my safe haven, my cute little city with its weird drunk and crazy people, cold atmosphere, may we meet again.

I have changed, which is exactly the opposite of what I said five months ago when I first came here, thank you for letting me change.

You know what? Life happened here, it happens everywhere, I just wasn’t ready to accept that. I thought life happens when you start living out your dreams, needless to say I was wrong. I feel a lot more than I used to, now I have actual, genuine hope.

This five months was all I needed; this was the adventure of my life, the very first of a life full of them. I got to be the mean girl with mean and smart comments -without actually being mean, I got drunk, found my way back to my room, I got to read a lot, I got to meet a wonderful friend, whom I’ll always be in debt to, for making me realize it’s not impossible to be alone in this world of immense greatness -without knowing, I got to feel infinite, I got to feel the days as they pass by…

I got to see tomorrow not just as a day but as the abundance of possibilities it holds.

It feels so bad to be actually leaving this place and to step on another journey but every ending is starting something new.

And I’m gonna make sure my new journey will count, cause this time we have, it matters.

This space we hold and the oxygen we inhale is not for nothing, we are not space-holders.

We are not meaningless.

Marissa D.

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Potentially Nothing (?*)

*Potential, too much potential = zero outcome, if you are me or like me of course.

Maybe if I had a potential to become one specific thing, then sure it would matter a great deal, if I wasn’t raised too oblivious then yes again, it would have been important.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents did a great job with what they had; which was me, a lazy, stubborn princess, who thought she could take down the world because ‘she had potential’.

You remember the kid from school who could draw pretty pictures, who everyone adored? How about the one in dance class who could stretch really deep? The competitive horseback rider? The violinist? The singer? The one with the great hand writing? Who learned to read before anyone? Who wrote plays and organizes school activities? The ice skater, the ballerina, the artist, the gymnast…

That kid who you secretly hated…

That kid who didn’t care.

That kid who thought really high of herself, ended up continuing and actually doing nothing.

That was me from kindergarten ’till high school; then down the rabbit hole. I thought the world was my play ground and I could do everything. Back then when I was actually good; I wasn’t trying to be good, I was having fun. And I knew I had the unlimited supply to do what I wanted; as long as I was interested in something my parents would do anything in their power to support their kid’s dreams.

I was abusive towards that power and I got bored pretty quickly. Whenever I felt like I was not the best I quit, hence I was so used to being the admired one, I couldn’t have another kid steal the spotlight.

The Little Drama Queen; I would have hated me if I met me.

In high school, I became one of those wallflower kids;even my grades were mediocre. The gym teacher liked me, but I knew she was pitying me. I heard her once saying: ‘Too much potential, she just threw everything away, she could have been big’.

I remember after that day; I set a reminder for future me; ‘I have a lot of potential, so I will be nothing; too much confidence screws you.’ I just received it, thanks little bitch.

Potential only means something if the person is interested in investing in it; I believed talent was all I needed thats why I don’t have a title to put in front of my name today; not a dancer, not a painter, not a writer, not an actress, nothing.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi