I’ve never felt this alive and meaningless at the same time.
My existence in this world, as an Erasmus student, means nothing, I worth nothing, I suck as a 20 year old student. Even in the basics.
This place is a student heaven; it is cheap, it’s safe, has ‘cheaper-than-water-alcohol’, a good night life, no one cares about anything, school is easy, life is affordable… Anything a 20 something would dream of…
I’ve never partied in the ‘American Movies Way’, as in ‘crazy’ getting drunk; caring about nothing drunk. I have never danced like nobody’s watching, I haven’t made out with a boy before.
And I haven’t experienced being hangover before this.
And never smoked. To my surprise, I turned out to be a drunk-smoker. Almost 12 in my first night -not proud.
I’m living alone for the first time, in the dorms but still away from home and on a budget.
I love the ‘Roaring 20s’ concept, but this life is not for me. After every party, I feel depressed, I feel bad for all of the lost souls who try to look like they’re enjoying the party. I see it in their eyes, they don’t.
Some do, them I resent. I am the biggest lost soul of all.
For the depressed artist types, it is hard, for me it’s really hard. In 1920s people were the depressed types, they escaped their problems by always being foggy or ‘tight’.
One of the worst things someone can have is self pity; can’t help it. Feeling meaningless is not a thing that can be cured, you have to trick the mind. The ‘over-thinking’ one I have is weird.
It has been two and a half months, and without the drunk people, I never had human contact, no hugging, nothing.
I’m not build for this, I partied, I drank, smoked, kissed, crushed on people, danced… I sometimes wish I was the fool who enjoys these stuff, than I hush myself, everything is better when you have enough.
I lived more in this 2 months then I’ve lived in my first 19 years in this world as Marissa. I’ve felt stuff, I threw up some liquids, I smoked and burned my fingers a little, I spent sleepless nights jumping, I slept in the stools, climbed my own mountain, stared into the nothingness, obsessed about someone, lost myself, learned that water is the best friend I have, travelled, emptied my wallet…
But I’ll never surrender who I’ve been, for who I’ve become.
(and vica versa)
Now, is it time to return? Or this is just the beginning of a new chapter?
Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi