The Blackhole Known As My Heart

Love; they say it’s in the air, they say it’s in the water. Which air, which water? Sexual attraction then, where is it, in the hormones? I’m 20 and I’m not sure, I’ve never had my heart broken. Let’s just say; no one ever loved me enough to eventually break my heart, or I’ve never loved anyone enough- at all.

I don’t know why! And that’s my least favourite phrase.

I’ m seeing almost everyone who were on the same boat with me moving on, getting ‘special someones’, falling in love, making mistakes, learning to change and evolve. And I sit at Starbucks alone, trying to find a reason for my lack of attendance into the land of the ‘vigorously beating hearts’.

I am a Love-Zombie. A really cheesy sounding one.

I mean you have to date people while growing up so that you would learn ‘how to date 101’ and use those skills later in life. I feel so left out and the worst part is I might have left myself out.

I was the ‘Weird Girl’ who had crazy ideas, who wore colourful things, hung out with the ‘Black Wearing Team’, who was a little loud when she wanted to talk and really quiet and edgy when she didn’t. A three-month it-girl, turned stuck-up ice princess.

Not a great recipe for a reputation right? And when you go to the same college as the others from your high school years it is harder to break out of the box.

Now, it is my Erasmus time and no one here knows me, but maybe I was a fool to think this would be different. Yesterday my friends were stopped by a dude and he didn’t even look at my face. Not even once!

There are a lot of potential reasons but just to further emphasize my point I looked cute and was properly dressed, I was put together and seemed friendly.

Anyways, the story I actually wanted to tell is about how much of an attention wh*re I’ve become. Just look, I’m already obsessing over that one guy who didn’t look at me.

The real concern I had here is that nobody ever loved me aside from the people who basically have to love me. So, for some time I thought I was gay, maybe that was the reason for my lack of partners. And I definitely believed that scenario, I imagined fake situations where I was coming out to my family and friends, marrying a women, starting a family… As long as I was loved -hypothetically-  that was fine.

The problem with me is that I was ready to accept love from whatever direction possible and now I see the problem within this. It is not fair to the other to expect love and not give that in return. I want to feel loved and wouldn’t he wait for the same? Shouldn’t he get it?

I want suck love like a vampire sucks on blood. That is not OK. That here, is a problem. I was so busy trying to be loved, I never tried to actually like and eventually love someone. I always waited for someone else to love me. And I don’t know how to do that?

The question is: ‘Do I even love myself?’

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi


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