Way Down I Go…

So, yeah almost three weeks in my ‘Erasmus Journey’ and this is what I wrote crying in random pieces of paper;

On my way, Day 1

They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone, for a girl who lived in the same triangle for years that zone is pretty small.

I am one those people who can only be comfortable in their familiar surroundings; the pressure of feeling safe is overwhelming, so we try to avoid it, I try to avoid it.

Of course ‘the day’ comes for everyone, for most it is the time you leave your home and family and everything that made you who you are behind to go to college.

I delayed that for two years.

Now it is my time to ‘spread my wings’ and literally fly.

Later that day

A leap of faith… Yes I am finally on the Erasmus boat, sailing through the unknown, although is it really? (if you know eventually you are going to get back to your life)

Sailing to the known, not a great discovery journey, right? It makes all the effort and pain to get there unworthy, cause the ending is written already. Why would Columbus sail if he already knew what he was going to find there? Why would anyone search or work for anything if the result is known to be reachable?

I wanna go back. Period.

Day 5

Now that I flew, I feel further away from my dreams, cause I already know what I want from life. I can say it without feeling like a fool now; it is a cliché but I want to be an actress. So why am I here?

What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What?

I wake up to my brain screaming like this every morning.

Followed by emotional breakdowns.

Then more crying.

Hating myself for making the decision.

Despising myself for being weak.

Going out to distract myself.

Grocery shopping.

Meet with some people?! (I don’t know a lot)

Drink to forget (I can’t drink that much)

Sleep to escape.

P.S: At least now, I can cry on demand.

Week 1, Day 7

Not a great way to start my Erasmus journey, the problem is I’m really scared of being alone and more scared of not being able to be alone –if that makes any sense. I really like my own space, ‘perks’ of being an only child, but I like to share my life too.

I’ve been alone for too long that I forgot the basics of being friends with some one, all of the people I usually have around are either like me or used to me being weird.

My dad tells me to ‘Fake-it-till-you-make-it, just act like you are in a movie and play it good’. I like that phrase, but it’s hard to do it, my brain is sometimes too rational about some stuff.

Hello?! There are no cameras!

There are only a bunch of people, trying to act drunk.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi



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