Time and All My Enemies

WOW! Just wow!And a wow?! When did I start to sound like a gullible teen?

Reality check: I am one.

Minus all the drama, crying over exes, going rogue on my parents, losing all my sh*t, losing control, getting bad grades, be in bar fights… Nothing fun all in all.

The reason I’m so hung up on this, is that I’m seeing all my ‘friends’ again, seeing them getting better at those things, still immature but in a different level makes me feel strange. They somehow grew up- in a way. While I’m still the same; reading books, watching TV series, going to movies with my only friend left, who is like me in the outer level of her character, and still being depressingly in control.

Even my impressionable cousin moved on, from listening every word her parents say without question, to a rogue teen who will do just about anything to meet with her weird boyfriend. I sound jealous.

Maybe I am.

If someone- being me- starts to talk about how they don’t want something all the time, probably they do want it. The  question is: do I want a boyfriend?

Well no, not like him and not right now, I don’t know,maybe I do.

The problem in all those things about growing up is that, I don’t want things to change, I’m mature enough or I think I know enough to be mature and those people are absolutely not mature. If growing up means being immature stuck-ups for some time, I’m not that into it.

Evolution going backwards.

That sh*t is happening to me too probably, I judge them so bad, I judge everyone so hard and that isn’t maturity.Being mature is so overrated. I am so overrated in my mind, who am I to judge, they are living their lives while they can and I am only jealous because I can’t.

I’m afraid to change and go on my way, because I fear that everyone will move on without me while I’m away. Honestly, I want life to stop here, so when I get back I can find everything exactly the same. Never gonna happen, plus it’s not fair to them and to me, if I’m moving on they should too.

Just like in ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac, I’ve built my life around everyone I know, coming in and going out when I’m wanted or needed, without asking for more. I should have. But ‘should have’s and ‘would have’s are not real. You can’t change the past, although I’m sure as h*ll, will change my future.

It all starts in two days, with a leap of faith, into the plane going to Erasmus.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi


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