The Blackhole Known As My Heart

Love; they say it’s in the air, they say it’s in the water. Which air, which water? Sexual attraction then, where is it, in the hormones? I’m 20 and I’m not sure, I’ve never had my heart broken. Let’s just say; no one ever loved me enough to eventually break my heart, or I’ve never loved anyone enough- at all.

I don’t know why! And that’s my least favourite phrase.

I’ m seeing almost everyone who were on the same boat with me moving on, getting ‘special someones’, falling in love, making mistakes, learning to change and evolve. And I sit at Starbucks alone, trying to find a reason for my lack of attendance into the land of the ‘vigorously beating hearts’.

I am a Love-Zombie. A really cheesy sounding one.

I mean you have to date people while growing up so that you would learn ‘how to date 101’ and use those skills later in life. I feel so left out and the worst part is I might have left myself out.

I was the ‘Weird Girl’ who had crazy ideas, who wore colourful things, hung out with the ‘Black Wearing Team’, who was a little loud when she wanted to talk and really quiet and edgy when she didn’t. A three-month it-girl, turned stuck-up ice princess.

Not a great recipe for a reputation right? And when you go to the same college as the others from your high school years it is harder to break out of the box.

Now, it is my Erasmus time and no one here knows me, but maybe I was a fool to think this would be different. Yesterday my friends were stopped by a dude and he didn’t even look at my face. Not even once!

There are a lot of potential reasons but just to further emphasize my point I looked cute and was properly dressed, I was put together and seemed friendly.

Anyways, the story I actually wanted to tell is about how much of an attention wh*re I’ve become. Just look, I’m already obsessing over that one guy who didn’t look at me.

The real concern I had here is that nobody ever loved me aside from the people who basically have to love me. So, for some time I thought I was gay, maybe that was the reason for my lack of partners. And I definitely believed that scenario, I imagined fake situations where I was coming out to my family and friends, marrying a women, starting a family… As long as I was loved -hypothetically-  that was fine.

The problem with me is that I was ready to accept love from whatever direction possible and now I see the problem within this. It is not fair to the other to expect love and not give that in return. I want to feel loved and wouldn’t he wait for the same? Shouldn’t he get it?

I want suck love like a vampire sucks on blood. That is not OK. That here, is a problem. I was so busy trying to be loved, I never tried to actually like and eventually love someone. I always waited for someone else to love me. And I don’t know how to do that?

The question is: ‘Do I even love myself?’

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi

Way Down I Go…

So, yeah almost three weeks in my ‘Erasmus Journey’ and this is what I wrote crying in random pieces of paper;

On my way, Day 1

They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone, for a girl who lived in the same triangle for years that zone is pretty small.

I am one those people who can only be comfortable in their familiar surroundings; the pressure of feeling safe is overwhelming, so we try to avoid it, I try to avoid it.

Of course ‘the day’ comes for everyone, for most it is the time you leave your home and family and everything that made you who you are behind to go to college.

I delayed that for two years.

Now it is my time to ‘spread my wings’ and literally fly.

Later that day

A leap of faith… Yes I am finally on the Erasmus boat, sailing through the unknown, although is it really? (if you know eventually you are going to get back to your life)

Sailing to the known, not a great discovery journey, right? It makes all the effort and pain to get there unworthy, cause the ending is written already. Why would Columbus sail if he already knew what he was going to find there? Why would anyone search or work for anything if the result is known to be reachable?

I wanna go back. Period.

Day 5

Now that I flew, I feel further away from my dreams, cause I already know what I want from life. I can say it without feeling like a fool now; it is a cliché but I want to be an actress. So why am I here?

What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What?

I wake up to my brain screaming like this every morning.

Followed by emotional breakdowns.

Then more crying.

Hating myself for making the decision.

Despising myself for being weak.

Going out to distract myself.

Grocery shopping.

Meet with some people?! (I don’t know a lot)

Drink to forget (I can’t drink that much)

Sleep to escape.

P.S: At least now, I can cry on demand.

Week 1, Day 7

Not a great way to start my Erasmus journey, the problem is I’m really scared of being alone and more scared of not being able to be alone –if that makes any sense. I really like my own space, ‘perks’ of being an only child, but I like to share my life too.

I’ve been alone for too long that I forgot the basics of being friends with some one, all of the people I usually have around are either like me or used to me being weird.

My dad tells me to ‘Fake-it-till-you-make-it, just act like you are in a movie and play it good’. I like that phrase, but it’s hard to do it, my brain is sometimes too rational about some stuff.

Hello?! There are no cameras!

There are only a bunch of people, trying to act drunk.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi

 

Time and All My Enemies

WOW! Just wow!And a wow?! When did I start to sound like a gullible teen?

Reality check: I am one.

Minus all the drama, crying over exes, going rogue on my parents, losing all my sh*t, losing control, getting bad grades, be in bar fights… Nothing fun all in all.

The reason I’m so hung up on this, is that I’m seeing all my ‘friends’ again, seeing them getting better at those things, still immature but in a different level makes me feel strange. They somehow grew up- in a way. While I’m still the same; reading books, watching TV series, going to movies with my only friend left, who is like me in the outer level of her character, and still being depressingly in control.

Even my impressionable cousin moved on, from listening every word her parents say without question, to a rogue teen who will do just about anything to meet with her weird boyfriend. I sound jealous.

Maybe I am.

If someone- being me- starts to talk about how they don’t want something all the time, probably they do want it. The  question is: do I want a boyfriend?

Well no, not like him and not right now, I don’t know,maybe I do.

The problem in all those things about growing up is that, I don’t want things to change, I’m mature enough or I think I know enough to be mature and those people are absolutely not mature. If growing up means being immature stuck-ups for some time, I’m not that into it.

Evolution going backwards.

That sh*t is happening to me too probably, I judge them so bad, I judge everyone so hard and that isn’t maturity.Being mature is so overrated. I am so overrated in my mind, who am I to judge, they are living their lives while they can and I am only jealous because I can’t.

I’m afraid to change and go on my way, because I fear that everyone will move on without me while I’m away. Honestly, I want life to stop here, so when I get back I can find everything exactly the same. Never gonna happen, plus it’s not fair to them and to me, if I’m moving on they should too.

Just like in ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac, I’ve built my life around everyone I know, coming in and going out when I’m wanted or needed, without asking for more. I should have. But ‘should have’s and ‘would have’s are not real. You can’t change the past, although I’m sure as h*ll, will change my future.

It all starts in two days, with a leap of faith, into the plane going to Erasmus.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi

The Monster of Sociality 101

Time flies away too quickly sometimes, and sometimes it is just not enough. For me it is never quite enough,if I could I would stretch out the days until calling them ‘days’ would seem irrational.

Now, standing here, about to go to my once-in-a-life-time quest, which is called ‘Erasmus’, I’m terrified. an would to anything to squeeze out some more time. As an introvert, the little voice in my head is louder than ever, calling me out and blowing my ‘I’m calm’ cover. How can I ever do ‘Erasmus’? I don’t know how to party, smoke cigars, drink alcohol, or even how to dance…

All we ever did in high school was to ‘attend’ formal dances or just sit and drink, there were some parties, some seriously epic parties but they were for the in crowd only and I was not one of the cool kids. I was that strange, serious girl who only had few geek friends; a some-what pretty girl with a large stick up to her b*tt. So large you could have sensed it from a mile.

In college nothing changed, I was still the same girl with different but still uptight friends who were not allowed to go to the restroom without even informing someone. The one difference was the fact that I wanted to do all the things I couldn’t do the last semester as a high-school senior and I realized quickly that it was impossible, somethings are only meant to be performed during specific times; like walking (a baby can’t learn to walk after it is older than 4 or 5 years, because they learn about fear).

High-school was the 101 to social life and without that class you couldn’t just dive in to the ‘professional partiers’ club easily. It took a lot of effort but finally in my 2nd year I did went to a party and ended up falling in love with someone I just met and petting my not-s0-good friend’s arm in the food line. Perfect.

Believe me, I drank before and I don’t get drunk with just 3 drinks, although that night I kinda did. That night I really did let go and had fun, but now I am embarrassed. I do not like not being able to control my body and mind.

So ‘Erasmus’, I heard it is the best time of your life and you should celebrate it, but I don’t know, I’m just scared and I don’t want to be the girl who stands out there. Although I can’t help it, I can’t swing with the wind, I’ll break, I’m that hard as a tree.

Even if what happens there don’t break me, I will do that to my self pretty successfully. No matter what happens though I wanna be there for it good and the bad, nonetheless it it experience.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi