I don’t think my mom ever thought of becoming a mom, it just happened to her, like most things in her life; unplanned, not unwanted, but welcomed.
She must have learned not to ask from life, because she wouldn’t have get them in the first place, or that was what she thought, she told me she learned it the hard way. Growing up, mom had a different life; ‘divorced’ parents, older and younger siblings from the other wife, again more so from the step-dad. Both man figures rich, still not capable of expressing love or simply loving.
What he lacked in love, he had it in his pocket, at least this is what I understood from what I heard. I’m judgmental about him, it isn’t right… My mom’s dad, I have no right to be, everything we have today is thanks to him,thus I am always grateful. I can’t call him ‘grandpa’ in my mind though, he passed away years ago, before I was born, and honestly I perceived him as distant.
Anyways what I am trying to come down to in all this word mess is that I am different from my mom; she accepted what she got and she got good things in what really matters -like a decent husband, traveling the world, have a nice life right now- while I try to battle my way through things I already have.
I plan things, I try to control them like a good, but pathetic control freak would and I am a perfectionist. Mom, works through her problems with new age things, I sweep them under the rug, cause I love a good external perception.
I never accept anything, that is not something to be proud of, I can’t welcome what the wind brings.
Wanting more sometimes is getting less (than you wished). This is maybe why I act and feel like a brat, this is why I can’t let go,this is why a part of my personality is hidden in here.
Expecting more makes people unhappy, when actually we should seize every moment. Words are simple to put out though and I can’t listen to my own words, just like it is in any case.
Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi