The Fear Who Defined The Girl

Bumps on the road go up and down, up and down, up and down…

The heart of the girl pu-pu-pumps, pu-pu-pumps,

All through the road.

What happened is that I had a car accident, same thing, same place, same driver, twice. My brain goes back to that a lot. I fear, I get scared. More so, I get mad.

Because, I want to define myself as brave, instead I let my fears define me.  I hear ‘You are letting your fears get on your way’ so many times a day. Yes, I know they are getting in my way of having a good car trip, yes I am even scared of thinking about somethings.There is no changing things that will happen, I know ;also I  believe we can only control the way we handle those things. That is what I need to remind my self.

Who would have known remembering a simple mantra is so challenging?

I fear everything, not mostly scared by something like a joke, I’m rather a brick wall in those times.

I fear of death; I constantly think about it, playing scenarios of what would happen to my loved ones, knowing ‘que sear que sera’. The scene that pops up, scares the sh*t out of me; its morbid. I am even scared writing that down, like typing here would change anything.

Little skinny purple pal in my head probably rules my emotions; what Joy does for Riley, fear does for me (Inside Out). A voice screaming through my emotions, my body responding to the anxiety.

The correct word for my situation is hyper vigilance, according to Dr. Google: always being in an alarming state of mind.

They say knowing the problem is a step in the right direction, hope it is for me. Cause living like this is basically not enjoying life, I don’t feel alive when I always think about my fears.

Marissa ‘Riss’ Demi


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